Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
