I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
