So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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