Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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