Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
its liver damage thursday
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
