What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
