Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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