I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
