my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
