so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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