I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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