She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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