I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
