Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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