sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
