omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
