i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
