I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
