I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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