Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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