I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
