Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
