I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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