I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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