either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
