how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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