I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
