Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
