I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
