If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
