Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
