I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
