He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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