I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
