the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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