Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
