btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
it glows. i had to have it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
