it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Sorry about my life...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
