I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
