those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
