I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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