Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
