My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
