I wanna bring you to show and tell
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The air was thick with penises
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
