Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
