Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
