I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
