I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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