oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He felt like a one man threesome
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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