In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
