I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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